Search This Blog

Showing posts with label thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thought. Show all posts

Friday, June 22, 2012

Last - III : No Second Chances In Life !!



After moving out of the place ...i felt i needed to tell her everything
My last attempt to justify myself ....

Everything ran into my mind ..for her first words ....to her last ones before she left...

I was not sure ...whether she would agree to meet me or not .....
But i thought i would swear her ...like she used to do ..before ....she wanted to get something
done by me.....
especially when she knew ...i would be in two minds about it .......

would be in ....or have ?
confused ?
i smiled ..as i knew ..she was the one who corrected me always .....

I called her up...
to ask her to meet up the next day .....
as she was planning to head up for further studies ...out of the city 
in a week ....
this was the only chance i had ...i had my fears ..but i had overcomed them
now ....seriously today i was not prone to them...

I asked her out for a coffee ...early in the morning ...
she agreed ...but she warned me ..to be there for some time only
to which i agreed.....

I was happy she agreed , to it ...after so much .....
I message her ...i had something to tell her ...

should not be something related to my love or feelings .....her condition 
at which she agreed to come ......

I had to agree at everything .....

.......


i was waiting there ...since early morning 
for the coffee shop to open ...
I double checked my pockets for money ......

i sat on the table , unnoticed by the waiters ...
maybe i was not someone important at that hour .....or they were just too busy 
getting ready for the day .....

And she came , her arrival marked a huge increase in my happiness .....
U seem to be different today ....
her question....after the formal handshakes ....and greetings
She was not happy ...on being called ...

Suddenly , 
her cell phone rung ....and she picked up the call and conversed softly 

i heard her mentioning the place ...to someone 
i heard her saying ....with ***, the one who writes blog on me...how i ditched him
and all that
yeah .....
nothing , he hasn't really start talking yet ...dont worry will meet you up in
a while , sure meet me up here .....cya

I could figure out ...it was him....

My expressions did changed again.....

So her question 
why did you called me here ?

I just wanted to tell you something ....

sure, as always .....now whats left to be told ?...she asked

i felt i need to tell you about the prediction , if you were interested ....

"hmmm".....she replied as if she just didnt cared to hear all that ...

I was told ......my life is tough ......
I have 3 opportunities to live .and a definite opportunity to die.....
the four opportunities come at different stages of my life ....
one at 16-17
second at 21-22
third at 30-31
fourth at 40-44

the fourth ...definites the result of my end ......
but i have opportunities to survive the three.......

The opportunities ....test me on my willingness to live ...
and if i tend to fail to justify ....i ll be dead ....

She yawned .....as if i was telling her an assumed story ......

i was warned to not fall in love ....as the girl - you ....was predicted to never 
understand my feelings ....and it was feared ill loose all my willingness to live 
and it happened just that ......

The only solution was if you could give me a chance to be part of your life ..
and your trust that i could be your someone special ....
as it would have given me .a reason to add and strengthen my willingness to survive
after the happenings just took away my reasons to survive ....

The day , the things ...as predicted would be tough for me to survive ....
was a day back ......

So , 
you survived it ....good , good for you , now are you over with your melo drama
she replied


almost ...i replied .....

with waiter interrupting to serve the coffee....

so , whats left , she enquired ..

and she noticed ..and turned to ask for spoon .....

in the mean while ...i saw him .parking his vehicle in the parking area..just in front of 
the coffee shop...and waiting for her ..maybe 

she got up from her seat to get the spoon from the counter....
as i placed an envelope ....under her cup of coffee....and left ...
she saw me.....walking out of the shop ...and came behind ..
but lost the sight of me.....

he waved at her ....from the distance ....
and came to greet her ......

the waiter came running behind her .....with the bill and asked her 
to pay ....
he paid for the price for the coffee...and asked him to leave ...
while paying 
he asked her ...." why does he calls you here ...when he doesn't have the money to pay
, thank god i was here ...to rescue you.."

she laughed to her joke ...." i had the money to pay the bill , but i left my wallet in
my activa...."

So where is he ?....he inquired
he left .....still had that ego ....left without saying anything .....

Okk you wait here ...i ll be back in a while.......he said 

The waiter came back ...with the change....and an envelope ..

she offered him the change .as the tip ....but he asked her about the envelope....
he told her ....he found it on the table ...
she looked at it ......

and the envelope had ..." To my goli"

the waiter left ....and she opened up the envelope .....
and it had a card ....
she assumed ...it to be a lovy-dovy card again.....
and 
read it ....

it had 
" You are invited to pay last tributes to ...Mr *******, "

she doubly checked the name...it was my name there ....
she didn't believed it .....
i had drank the coffee ....with her and now ...she was holding up the invitation card
to my last rituals ...ceremony

a tear started to fell from her eyes ....onto the card ,

she looked in the envelope ....for more.
and it did had ....a note and ring 

the ring she looked at it .....and it seemed her the same as described in the blog
and she read the note .....

" Shona (goli) ....
you once said ...its too easy say things ..but its tough to make them a reality
you said ...."i had the guts to say but never had the guts to make it come true...

so today , call it my motive or the game of destiny ....its coming true ....
"
the note was stained in blood .....

She noticed i was silenced by her interruption to have assumed me to have survived
the curse of destiny ...which in real was something she was holding up
in her hands ......


Thursday, January 26, 2012

You Never Wanted Me from The Very First Day


she is gone.....
for her happiness
she desired for.........

maybe she thought .....she was the only one .....who hoped for something good
to happen in her life.......
really......that spark ....she saw......attracted her so much ......

she left me behind.....
i felt ....she would come back.......but she didn't

she thought i did it for ...sympathy.....
but i don't need it...because it wont work......or change anything.....

the only person that mattered to you .....was you

if i hardly matter.....to you
i don't feel ....i deserve the part of my life left.......

it makes me ......realize ......even 40 is too much for me....
just to see you .....say good bye.....
go by just your own world.......just for happiness
and you don't wanna cry.......

i know you have a lot of option around you......and
i have nothing to beat them all.....in the race to have you......

that screws me.....takes my life away....
for every second that remind ......you never wanted me from the very first day

everything captivates .....takes hours to come back......
think about ....whats wrong with life......
why am i like this ?
even if i try so hard.....its never i have love as a part of my life....

its not the separation that kills me everyday
but its the way you .......crave for it each day......

you wanna go.......
seeing ...how much ....i am suffering with your decisions.....

neglecting all the love ....that's causing it.......

go....i won't stop you
stop your life.......
i'll try and bear ....the sufferings......
but i know i wont be able to ......for so long.........

she would just .....be so hardened.....about the fact of love......
like she is doing something indispensable ......about all this......

its not about letting it go......its about being.....

i know , its hard.....but at-least you could try......
why would you ?
for me .......for my love i have for you
you don't want it ?
so i feel ......i am trash.....who just is not important to anyone.....
should end.....other than being at misery again

what you should do about it ?
at least don't mention ....i ever been part of your life......
because if people would laugh ....at my love...calling it foolishness
it would hurt me ....wherever i would be........

why i cursed you ?
i didn't actually......they were the words only
they didn't meant anything......
i had my love at that time....revolting against your resistance......

why i am like this ?
because i waited for you ....to come and help me change it

why i hurt you so much ?
i never do it intentionally.......it just that at some point....our mind diverge ....
i just want you to....agree.....just for the sake of words.......even if you disagree......
because i had enough of disagreements before........

why i don't confront you ? why i never came to see you after your birthday ?
i did .....but you never gave me any chances
to you i seemed like i would .....just be manipulative......would just show you my melo drama
would beg you......and create a scene of embarrassment for you........
that stopped my steps from moving .....


maybe i ll never be able .......to free myself......from cursing me
for who i m......
and
i cant expect you to be a part of a loser's life.....
that's kills me ......each day

its just that i cant make a statement about the future now.......
nor i bought you the presents......

you hate me.....for being so arrogant at times......
to be someone......who craves to kill himself......every moment.......

i don't know ......what's in me....that tries to hold you up
even after knowing......about the future....about that i am not that much deserving ......to be a part of your life........about me being to emotional.....
but the hope .......that let me think....you understand me ......better than others......

even if i am unable to meet you
it let me .....stop you from going......

just for the love...that you don't need
because it hurts ......more than anything...

if you love me.....just stay
it is normal ....to be jealous.....but it do takes ....me away from what i am
but its never the one....that steals my love away from you.......

whats your mistake in , if you don't love me ?
because you used to appreciate my efforts.....but you never used to understand ......
they were only for you.........
why don't you believe me.......


what do i want you ......to do with my love ?
atleast .....consider it
and try to understand me.....maybe it ll help
you recognize my feelings.....


what if we separate out ?
i would die.....as i would have failed to have love of my life......
and failed in every prospect of life......it would leave me with no other option

what if you accept it ?
i don't know.....what will happen
but i ll keep all my promises ......and try to be upto your standards....

why i am just in words and never in person ?
because maybe i fear you....after all your disagreements......it never makes me believe me
it would there be a morning for me......for sure.......

i never did this ......for anyone.........
and i wont do the same....
but i wish to change....
if you ll be there with me...to help the change........