he wakes me up from my wandering thoughts ...
Why is it that i am unable to move on ?....i started with my questions
Because you wished to keep all secrets to yourself .....but in the end you gave up all
even when knowing ..what would be the result .....
You showed her ...the real you.....and all your problems ..all the reality behind that
and who in this world ...is the person , who wants to live a life with problems
Your constant fear of death , that never lets you live , and the urge to be with everyone
never lets you die.....
his replies ...
Why cant I be with her ?....when i can love her more than anyone else.....
Why she never understands me and my feelings....?
Its not under our or any humans control to write their own destiny , the only thing in our hand is to lessen the effects of what has to happen....
Your feelings for her ...are your own ....and i don't know about it..
but no one can be forced to love someone.....
it comes naturally , if she wishes to not
love you.....
then nobody in this world can help you with that.
Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone like you ...
who is a problem person....
or she thinks your feelings, are just a part of sympathy plan
or you just are faking everything
U can never make someone trust you....its all about their choice...
I looked concerned ....and not satisfied with the answers ....i hate myself ...for not understanding things....and even not paying attention to things which take me the other way....
What do you want ??....he asked me
I want to be with her ...
be the special someone in her life ....that make others want to be her in next life....
then just go ahead...he added to my words...
But its not that easy especially with me ..struggling through my life...have concerns
about everything......and that really shifts my focus from her ....
with her changing her decisions and really not understanding me....
it adds onto my frustrations....
She says i do it all for sympathy ..as if its of my choice ...that my life is this ...
When trying to fight ...with every problem ...i wish to give up at times..
and i never could experience life out of problems .....and I never could call someone
to be with me...as i never wanted to reveal my unluckiness ....
But she gave up ...on her decision to be with me....
it made it easy for me...to reveal every aspect of my life ....
it did hurt that she gave it too soon on ....the thought of being with me....
her changing life ...her changing thoughts .....just made me
so unimportant in her life ....that i still cant face her.....
Even if i have her...i cant be sure of my life ...
even i am not sure ...if she takes it as a joke or not , as if it is a joke for her
till now ...how will she react if she gets affected by ...being a part of my life
will she make a quick decision to leave ...
I am not sure ...if she will make those extra efforts ..knowing that there are so many
better people with better life than me...after her......
She never gave me any reason to be glad about ..and nor did she respected my feelings..
so my fears are normal....and the glitch to trust her ...
he wiped the tears coming out my eyes , and said
it not in your hands...so you cant do anything.....
You neglected your feelings ... while taking care of her ...from yourself
and this she couldn't know ...as they were your own willing efforts ....and she would
never understand it ...so stop forcing her ....
this could only be observed and she gave no efforts in that regard and calls it
that you did nothing .......
One thing to notice is that she is happy without you and she was not , when she was with you
she selects that kind of life for her .....and no one can stop her ..
" He is a better choice for her than you "......he said making a point .
I know , he is better than me in all aspects but how can i make my feelings understand
this thing ......who are not ready to give up and try to make an effort.....
he starts and makes efforts to make me understand ....
Try and understand ....
if you die ....this time ....or at any other stage of life ...
she would still move on , then why try and affect her in any way ....
What if she comes to you and something happens to her
will you be able to forgive yourself ...Nope..
that would be more regretful , then letting her know about you....
or keeping distance from her ......
Every point stands justified and life turns still ....
and i am all in tears ...trying to be in reality ...than being in assumptions
and it made me feel
she was never wrong ....with what she did ....
and
I could never understand her .....
I take a leave with her memories .....from that place
i bend to take his blessings ..and i could see him emotional too
The only thing i can be glad about my life ....
is that i tried to love someone ...with true feelings ....
maybe its the destiny that wants life to run this way.........
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