I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you

"Apki marzi hai
Think whatever you want to
Waise what have you done to be the one...
you can't even walk with me...
so whatever you do or think is entirely your side of cooked up story......"


I found this while going through our conversations.....
I wanted to tell her the reasons ...but may be she wont care about it......

She came ....
I was seeing her after a long while...

she just wanted to remind me ....of our mutual friends birthday....which i remembered..
She asked .."How are you ?".....

My phone fell off...my hands ....as we talked to each other...
asking each other formal questions...

She picked up the phone....and did read the open message from her......
But her reactions didn't changed at all.......

Are you fine ?.....she asked me ....

"If u want , i can help you .....but its you who don't want me to help" .....she added

Its out of your hands...as you have no other solution other than leaving someone .......
alone ...
and the question of walking with you....
I knew ...i was unlucky....and knowing that reality ..made me feel i was cheating on you
by letting you be unaware of it....

I was trying to be away from you...so that you don't get affected by my unluckiness..
while my feelings ...wanted me to be close to you..the way it may least affect you.....
I was ready to wait ...until you know all the truth..and decide ....if you wanted to
be with me...or wanted to leave me .....on my own...

The only reason...that i never greed-ed to be something on some-others expenses....
what made me...to keep distance from you...
Because I knew you had a life worth living .....and i had my feelings worth trying for 
your love.........


It hurts ....hearing such words from you.....as i always wished for your happiness...
but you never gave me....any credits for it in your life.....

You used to make fun of my feelings..ignore them.....
then be the sweetest person by apologizing.....and make things be normal again...

If you never had the experience of walking next to me....
I never had that....love from you....

Maybe if was easy for you to see me......get destroyed...
I could never think of making that happen to you....

a tear coming down her eye....cached my attention.....
I raised my left hand...to wipe it....
and i accidentally stained that with blood ....coming of the hurt-ed hand...

the blood didn't stopped....and the stains of blood
made her image fade ..to give way to reality....

It was nothing ....just that i was lost to the other world and my hand came in between
the closing door of the car...

The pain was nothing in comparison to the pain i was suffering from......

There was no one to take care...and no one to be worried.....
So a cloth was tied...and i happen to get closer to reality of being the words 
i promised her.....

" I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you"

You Never Wanted Me from The Very First Day

she is gone.....
for her happiness
she desired for.........

maybe she thought .....she was the only one .....who hoped for something good
to happen in her life.......
really......that spark ....she saw......attracted her so much ......

she left me behind.....
i felt ....she would come back.......but she didn't

she thought i did it for ...sympathy.....
but i don't need it...because it wont work......or change anything.....

the only person that mattered to you .....was you

if i hardly matter.....to you
i don't feel ....i deserve the part of my life left.......

it makes me ......realize ......even 40 is too much for me....
just to see you .....say good bye.....
go by just your own world.......just for happiness
and you don't wanna cry.......

i know you have a lot of option around you......and
i have nothing to beat them all.....in the race to have you......

that screws me.....takes my life away....
for every second that remind ......you never wanted me from the very first day

everything captivates .....takes hours to come back......
think about ....whats wrong with life......
why am i like this ?
even if i try so hard.....its never i have love as a part of my life....

its not the separation that kills me everyday
but its the way you .......crave for it each day......

you wanna go.......
seeing ...how much ....i am suffering with your decisions.....

neglecting all the love ....that's causing it.......

go....i won't stop you
stop your life.......
i'll try and bear ....the sufferings......
but i know i wont be able to ......for so long.........

she would just .....be so hardened.....about the fact of love......
like she is doing something indispensable ......about all this......

its not about letting it go......its about being.....

i know , its hard.....but at-least you could try......
why would you ?
for me .......for my love i have for you
you don't want it ?
so i feel ......i am trash.....who just is not important to anyone.....
should end.....other than being at misery again

what you should do about it ?
at least don't mention ....i ever been part of your life......
because if people would laugh ....at my love...calling it foolishness
it would hurt me ....wherever i would be........

why i cursed you ?
i didn't actually......they were the words only
they didn't meant anything......
i had my love at that time....revolting against your resistance......

why i am like this ?
because i waited for you ....to come and help me change it

why i hurt you so much ?
i never do it intentionally.......it just that at some point....our mind diverge ....
i just want you to....agree.....just for the sake of words.......even if you disagree......
because i had enough of disagreements before........

why i don't confront you ? why i never came to see you after your birthday ?
i did .....but you never gave me any chances
to you i seemed like i would .....just be manipulative......would just show you my melo drama
would beg you......and create a scene of embarrassment for you........
that stopped my steps from moving .....


maybe i ll never be able .......to free myself......from cursing me
for who i m......
and
i cant expect you to be a part of a loser's life.....
that's kills me ......each day

its just that i cant make a statement about the future now.......
nor i bought you the presents......

you hate me.....for being so arrogant at times......
to be someone......who craves to kill himself......every moment.......

i don't know ......what's in me....that tries to hold you up
even after knowing......about the future....about that i am not that much deserving ......to be a part of your life........about me being to emotional.....
but the hope .......that let me think....you understand me ......better than others......

even if i am unable to meet you
it let me .....stop you from going......

just for the love...that you don't need
because it hurts ......more than anything...

if you love me.....just stay
it is normal ....to be jealous.....but it do takes ....me away from what i am
but its never the one....that steals my love away from you.......

whats your mistake in , if you don't love me ?
because you used to appreciate my efforts.....but you never used to understand ......
they were only for you.........
why don't you believe me.......


what do i want you ......to do with my love ?
atleast .....consider it
and try to understand me.....maybe it ll help
you recognize my feelings.....


what if we separate out ?
i would die.....as i would have failed to have love of my life......
and failed in every prospect of life......it would leave me with no other option

what if you accept it ?
i don't know.....what will happen
but i ll keep all my promises ......and try to be upto your standards....

why i am just in words and never in person ?
because maybe i fear you....after all your disagreements......it never makes me believe me
it would there be a morning for me......for sure.......

i never did this ......for anyone.........
and i wont do the same....
but i wish to change....
if you ll be there with me...to help the change........

I Missed Her Again

today.......i missed her again
but i cant talk to her.......
because i promised to wont interfere........
and neither she did tried.....contacting......

the paper was all bad.......
second time......in all.........

it is a fact......if she is not with me.....
or i fight with her........
the next day......just everything bad ......engulfs me......till the end of that day.......

my life......changed since she came......
something good used to happened ......if by chance anything bad happened ......it was all by my own mistake
and usually it used to be in her absence........

i don't want her ........just because she is lucky for me......
or just because she brings happiness to life......
and not only because she bears me.....
not only because......she makes me feel alive .......

its just one good reason and that is ...because.........i love her.......
i feel that she completes me.......and my life.

there is  a story.......behind that.....
i would share .......something no-one knows about ........except me

i have kept that to myself.........
something after which .....i wouldn't want to be in her life......anymore
because.....if she loved me........she didn't required any reasons......problems......or grudges

To make her realize that she doesn't......and my love unable to make her realize  ....that she does

i would go back........to the memory
to the girl........whom i dreamed of .......
(Aspdires)

she wished that i should ........search for her in this world.......

many people ..make.....fun of me.......when i used to tell them this......
but its their own perception........which  i can't control..............

i  did made my way back into that  dream........one day
when that girl......turned ......
it was her......my ankious

the feeling of being .......back again
was hurtfull.........
this time.....but .it was real
and i did my best ....though.....i am regarded as unfaithful
for being honest ...and....hurting in trying to be honest.............

no one uncovers .....its life ......like i did.......
like a transparent look
like u are with me yourself........

she came and sat next to me.......
she cud see my eyes full of the pain , i had.......
all because of her.......
which she doesn't wanted to hear about.........

why .....you never let me be a part of your life ?
......she asked

at first , i had no answer at all........
too much was going on my mind.........

me ?
not letting you ?
its not me
its you ........
you don't want to be in a relationship
u don't care about my love and feelings for you........

but when i started.......
it all came a different answer to it.........
the answer that hide itself .......under the layers of lies........

it was not me.......seriously
i tried .......to show you everything......my life had
i had a way ......to win over your heart ......and don't tell u anything .....about it
like others used to guide me to follow......once which  i used to give them........

but i chose ......to be truthful.......because.......i knew you were meant to be.......
as soon as .......i started telling u about me.....

as i came closer to your heart.......the feeling grew inside me.........

i gave you all the possibilities ........of what could it be.......
with or without me...

sometimes .......felt weak ......when everything at once .....had gone against me.....
you and everything.......
some thoughts .......did arised that made me think of un-usuals......thinking of as if i was not meant to be with you

its all rubbish..i used to say ..and end it .saying ..i had nothing that could let you stay......but it was too much to give you way........

i cursed ......myself ......for being such wise......
not hearing other people.......who stopped me from point to point and  time.....to time.....
to be not so much open about my life.........
but something drived me......
maybe it was the.........love ......i had for you.......

i still love you....

but
the possibilities that .......drived me ........to this day with u
scared u ......too much .......that u chose to leave......




maybe you never understood

the thing that scared u off .......meant survival for someone....
i hoped ........they did turned for some good........

i still hope.....u would comeback someday......... love me one day.......
but i am not sure....will i live ?......to see that day.......

She Left ...Then Why Do I Breathe....

she wishes to move .......on
No matter what i do , trying to convince her to stay
 
but is she aware of the fact that ........how much i love her

everytime .....i think of letting her go.......
i would try and be numb to everything.

would it change anything ?.......(letting her go)
my love......
or
i ll be just another passerby in her life.......who left when it was his 
time to leave.

i am obsessed .....not with the time she gives him away
but the time ......she never gives me......

now , 
its just normal
people leave comment about her beautiful profile ......pictures
on wall.....and she feels so excited.......about it

i don't.......because she never asked me to......
she never wanted me to show up
what is the importance of a person......who leaves ....his life open
What's that to be told every-time " I didn't asked you , you did it on your own."

What's the mistake of the person, who 
don't have someone ......to share his life.....with

If i left an update at my wall on a site,
she would click and unclick the like button

the same moment.
Just to let me know she tried..

but if i left a comment.....i never had a reply to that....
because i was not him.......or someone important

just because......i don't smile......i don't feel like being happy
i have so much to blame myself for......without any way out to solve them......
because its way beyond .......my hands.....

i shared ......with her all my problems......initially some less hurting .....
ones
which she felt happy to have made me follow her solution.....just for her
but when it came to .......huge problems......
i turned coward....weak.......psycho.......just not good enough for her........

i was the same person .....now and then......

you really must have thought.......i did have faked.......
but i gave you a chance .....to see by yourself.....
but you rejected.....
even before telling you all that.......

what do you want ?
this question would come up........
the question i never used........

i didn't changed ......neither my wish to be with you forever.....
its just........you don't wanna give away

just because .......i mentioned .........some stuff
which i had to let you know....but it came out all in all ......a bad way
that it hurted you and me......

we are meant to be together.......but
only if you accept me ........the way i am
and i promise.......to change if possible .....to somewhat of your definition

i thought you understood me.......
wanted to be with me....
understanding ......everything

i am ready to give it all.........to the relationship
but this relationship isn't important for you.............
even i did .....promise .....i wont leave you ........

.......



life after her.......its been days......
she is busy....
her replies.....come days after the questions asked.....

she wouldn't reply to messages......calls......say she is busy
and would be found.....talking on phone the next moment

i know i have hurted her too much.......
and she is giving up
because she was not ready to handle it .........
and i was an idiot ......to have told everything

i try......try to be away from her......
let her be at peace.......

but i cry .....everyday....
seeing she doesn't care.......

she has a mutual friend to know it all.....if she wants
who do i know......from whom i can know
about her well being....

Does she still matter to me ?
Yes 
but not in a way that she can take advantage of .



i miss being the part of her conversations......
i miss being the part of her soul.....

i had to drive away ......her feelings....
to let me be normal for a while.....just to show
i m not mad.......

when the paper ....goes wrong......
or anything happens......
i miss her to tell.....everything about those incidents......
and the way she would .......tease me
took my focus of being sad about it

she made me be at life .......everyday
when she was with me......

It was Always Me....Who Loved you but you didn't

let the world of happiness enclose her
as i drown in fear.....
her words echo .....in my mind
adding on to my fear

i gave myself ....to be yours.....been totally honest
and let you know everything......before you make a decision

i expressed everything ......
even when i knew what my honesty
costed me...
but i felt maybe .....
my honesty valued more than that.......

you keep on adding onto the fears.....the time.......the life .......and everything
you gave me titles of 
greedy , selfish and psycho.......and maybe more

you made fun of me.......whenever you felt like

you didn't felt anything........because i never made you
you got everything you wanted......my secrets , the changes in my life.......i never gave you excuses
to wont have fulfilled them

i did things.....sat with people.....whom i couldn't .....
just because you wanted it.......

you had it all......and when it started costing you ......something
in return
you gave up on me.....the world .....i created
and it all became a 
virtual reality for you........

hey,
what did i had it in all
nor the love i desired
not the respect i deserved
not even some importance......

just one thing......
the things were clear to you since ......the beginning.......
it was you who fooled around
assuming too much.......

being so rigid......won't get you any far.......

i never ......told you .......to come and suddenly be a part of life.....
i offered you to ....just have a view of it......
to which you ignored.......
like the persons.....like me
don't have a life at all...............
or
maybe you all feel .......degraded to be a part of it........

you may have forgotten......
those assumptions......had those special words......for you
which i always have let you known through my messages.......

and

for your records.......
we were meant to be together.......
its just that i didn't .....wanted you to compromise.......and curse me .....for any bad .......brought upon you
in future.......
i just wanted you to trust me.......and have least expectations......
because if in case ....i m not able to fulfill........you know what made me not to
and you don't feel ......too bad about it......

i don't know about yours.........
my life can never have .....someone like you ever again
in my life.........

i wont be able ....to be a part of any other again
and won't expect you to do the same......

"Of All The Times...."

of all the times....i have  been with you
every while is precious to me...........

maybe it ll be a secret .....unless you keep it open
that my life had been a part of your being........

going down those shiny moments......
that stole the moments of present.....

i wonder .....about you
about me
      about us......

how it was gonna be.....
if i had been yours
and you been mine......

people....have some moments ........
that just fire up their love life
i don't know till now.....

what made you go

dreams .....
they are never meant to be fulfilled......
because all my dreams had you
but when you made me touch reality.......

it was nothing closer to you.