I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you

"Apki marzi hai
Think whatever you want to
Waise what have you done to be the one...
you can't even walk with me...
so whatever you do or think is entirely your side of cooked up story......"


I found this while going through our conversations.....
I wanted to tell her the reasons ...but may be she wont care about it......

She came ....
I was seeing her after a long while...

she just wanted to remind me ....of our mutual friends birthday....which i remembered..
She asked .."How are you ?".....

My phone fell off...my hands ....as we talked to each other...
asking each other formal questions...

She picked up the phone....and did read the open message from her......
But her reactions didn't changed at all.......

Are you fine ?.....she asked me ....

"If u want , i can help you .....but its you who don't want me to help" .....she added

Its out of your hands...as you have no other solution other than leaving someone .......
alone ...
and the question of walking with you....
I knew ...i was unlucky....and knowing that reality ..made me feel i was cheating on you
by letting you be unaware of it....

I was trying to be away from you...so that you don't get affected by my unluckiness..
while my feelings ...wanted me to be close to you..the way it may least affect you.....
I was ready to wait ...until you know all the truth..and decide ....if you wanted to
be with me...or wanted to leave me .....on my own...

The only reason...that i never greed-ed to be something on some-others expenses....
what made me...to keep distance from you...
Because I knew you had a life worth living .....and i had my feelings worth trying for 
your love.........


It hurts ....hearing such words from you.....as i always wished for your happiness...
but you never gave me....any credits for it in your life.....

You used to make fun of my feelings..ignore them.....
then be the sweetest person by apologizing.....and make things be normal again...

If you never had the experience of walking next to me....
I never had that....love from you....

Maybe if was easy for you to see me......get destroyed...
I could never think of making that happen to you....

a tear coming down her eye....cached my attention.....
I raised my left hand...to wipe it....
and i accidentally stained that with blood ....coming of the hurt-ed hand...

the blood didn't stopped....and the stains of blood
made her image fade ..to give way to reality....

It was nothing ....just that i was lost to the other world and my hand came in between
the closing door of the car...

The pain was nothing in comparison to the pain i was suffering from......

There was no one to take care...and no one to be worried.....
So a cloth was tied...and i happen to get closer to reality of being the words 
i promised her.....

" I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you"

You Never Wanted Me from The Very First Day

she is gone.....
for her happiness
she desired for.........

maybe she thought .....she was the only one .....who hoped for something good
to happen in her life.......
really......that spark ....she saw......attracted her so much ......

she left me behind.....
i felt ....she would come back.......but she didn't

she thought i did it for ...sympathy.....
but i don't need it...because it wont work......or change anything.....

the only person that mattered to you .....was you

if i hardly matter.....to you
i don't feel ....i deserve the part of my life left.......

it makes me ......realize ......even 40 is too much for me....
just to see you .....say good bye.....
go by just your own world.......just for happiness
and you don't wanna cry.......

i know you have a lot of option around you......and
i have nothing to beat them all.....in the race to have you......

that screws me.....takes my life away....
for every second that remind ......you never wanted me from the very first day

everything captivates .....takes hours to come back......
think about ....whats wrong with life......
why am i like this ?
even if i try so hard.....its never i have love as a part of my life....

its not the separation that kills me everyday
but its the way you .......crave for it each day......

you wanna go.......
seeing ...how much ....i am suffering with your decisions.....

neglecting all the love ....that's causing it.......

go....i won't stop you
stop your life.......
i'll try and bear ....the sufferings......
but i know i wont be able to ......for so long.........

she would just .....be so hardened.....about the fact of love......
like she is doing something indispensable ......about all this......

its not about letting it go......its about being.....

i know , its hard.....but at-least you could try......
why would you ?
for me .......for my love i have for you
you don't want it ?
so i feel ......i am trash.....who just is not important to anyone.....
should end.....other than being at misery again

what you should do about it ?
at least don't mention ....i ever been part of your life......
because if people would laugh ....at my love...calling it foolishness
it would hurt me ....wherever i would be........

why i cursed you ?
i didn't actually......they were the words only
they didn't meant anything......
i had my love at that time....revolting against your resistance......

why i am like this ?
because i waited for you ....to come and help me change it

why i hurt you so much ?
i never do it intentionally.......it just that at some point....our mind diverge ....
i just want you to....agree.....just for the sake of words.......even if you disagree......
because i had enough of disagreements before........

why i don't confront you ? why i never came to see you after your birthday ?
i did .....but you never gave me any chances
to you i seemed like i would .....just be manipulative......would just show you my melo drama
would beg you......and create a scene of embarrassment for you........
that stopped my steps from moving .....


maybe i ll never be able .......to free myself......from cursing me
for who i m......
and
i cant expect you to be a part of a loser's life.....
that's kills me ......each day

its just that i cant make a statement about the future now.......
nor i bought you the presents......

you hate me.....for being so arrogant at times......
to be someone......who craves to kill himself......every moment.......

i don't know ......what's in me....that tries to hold you up
even after knowing......about the future....about that i am not that much deserving ......to be a part of your life........about me being to emotional.....
but the hope .......that let me think....you understand me ......better than others......

even if i am unable to meet you
it let me .....stop you from going......

just for the love...that you don't need
because it hurts ......more than anything...

if you love me.....just stay
it is normal ....to be jealous.....but it do takes ....me away from what i am
but its never the one....that steals my love away from you.......

whats your mistake in , if you don't love me ?
because you used to appreciate my efforts.....but you never used to understand ......
they were only for you.........
why don't you believe me.......


what do i want you ......to do with my love ?
atleast .....consider it
and try to understand me.....maybe it ll help
you recognize my feelings.....


what if we separate out ?
i would die.....as i would have failed to have love of my life......
and failed in every prospect of life......it would leave me with no other option

what if you accept it ?
i don't know.....what will happen
but i ll keep all my promises ......and try to be upto your standards....

why i am just in words and never in person ?
because maybe i fear you....after all your disagreements......it never makes me believe me
it would there be a morning for me......for sure.......

i never did this ......for anyone.........
and i wont do the same....
but i wish to change....
if you ll be there with me...to help the change........