I Missed Her Again

today.......i missed her again
but i cant talk to her.......
because i promised to wont interfere........
and neither she did tried.....contacting......

the paper was all bad.......
second time......in all.........

it is a fact......if she is not with me.....
or i fight with her........
the next day......just everything bad ......engulfs me......till the end of that day.......

my life......changed since she came......
something good used to happened ......if by chance anything bad happened ......it was all by my own mistake
and usually it used to be in her absence........

i don't want her ........just because she is lucky for me......
or just because she brings happiness to life......
and not only because she bears me.....
not only because......she makes me feel alive .......

its just one good reason and that is ...because.........i love her.......
i feel that she completes me.......and my life.

there is  a story.......behind that.....
i would share .......something no-one knows about ........except me

i have kept that to myself.........
something after which .....i wouldn't want to be in her life......anymore
because.....if she loved me........she didn't required any reasons......problems......or grudges

To make her realize that she doesn't......and my love unable to make her realize  ....that she does

i would go back........to the memory
to the girl........whom i dreamed of .......
(Aspdires)

she wished that i should ........search for her in this world.......

many people ..make.....fun of me.......when i used to tell them this......
but its their own perception........which  i can't control..............

i  did made my way back into that  dream........one day
when that girl......turned ......
it was her......my ankious

the feeling of being .......back again
was hurtfull.........
this time.....but .it was real
and i did my best ....though.....i am regarded as unfaithful
for being honest ...and....hurting in trying to be honest.............

no one uncovers .....its life ......like i did.......
like a transparent look
like u are with me yourself........

she came and sat next to me.......
she cud see my eyes full of the pain , i had.......
all because of her.......
which she doesn't wanted to hear about.........

why .....you never let me be a part of your life ?
......she asked

at first , i had no answer at all........
too much was going on my mind.........

me ?
not letting you ?
its not me
its you ........
you don't want to be in a relationship
u don't care about my love and feelings for you........

but when i started.......
it all came a different answer to it.........
the answer that hide itself .......under the layers of lies........

it was not me.......seriously
i tried .......to show you everything......my life had
i had a way ......to win over your heart ......and don't tell u anything .....about it
like others used to guide me to follow......once which  i used to give them........

but i chose ......to be truthful.......because.......i knew you were meant to be.......
as soon as .......i started telling u about me.....

as i came closer to your heart.......the feeling grew inside me.........

i gave you all the possibilities ........of what could it be.......
with or without me...

sometimes .......felt weak ......when everything at once .....had gone against me.....
you and everything.......
some thoughts .......did arised that made me think of un-usuals......thinking of as if i was not meant to be with you

its all rubbish..i used to say ..and end it .saying ..i had nothing that could let you stay......but it was too much to give you way........

i cursed ......myself ......for being such wise......
not hearing other people.......who stopped me from point to point and  time.....to time.....
to be not so much open about my life.........
but something drived me......
maybe it was the.........love ......i had for you.......

i still love you....

but
the possibilities that .......drived me ........to this day with u
scared u ......too much .......that u chose to leave......




maybe you never understood

the thing that scared u off .......meant survival for someone....
i hoped ........they did turned for some good........

i still hope.....u would comeback someday......... love me one day.......
but i am not sure....will i live ?......to see that day.......

It was Always Me....Who Loved you but you didn't

let the world of happiness enclose her
as i drown in fear.....
her words echo .....in my mind
adding on to my fear

i gave myself ....to be yours.....been totally honest
and let you know everything......before you make a decision

i expressed everything ......
even when i knew what my honesty
costed me...
but i felt maybe .....
my honesty valued more than that.......

you keep on adding onto the fears.....the time.......the life .......and everything
you gave me titles of 
greedy , selfish and psycho.......and maybe more

you made fun of me.......whenever you felt like

you didn't felt anything........because i never made you
you got everything you wanted......my secrets , the changes in my life.......i never gave you excuses
to wont have fulfilled them

i did things.....sat with people.....whom i couldn't .....
just because you wanted it.......

you had it all......and when it started costing you ......something
in return
you gave up on me.....the world .....i created
and it all became a 
virtual reality for you........

hey,
what did i had it in all
nor the love i desired
not the respect i deserved
not even some importance......

just one thing......
the things were clear to you since ......the beginning.......
it was you who fooled around
assuming too much.......

being so rigid......won't get you any far.......

i never ......told you .......to come and suddenly be a part of life.....
i offered you to ....just have a view of it......
to which you ignored.......
like the persons.....like me
don't have a life at all...............
or
maybe you all feel .......degraded to be a part of it........

you may have forgotten......
those assumptions......had those special words......for you
which i always have let you known through my messages.......

and

for your records.......
we were meant to be together.......
its just that i didn't .....wanted you to compromise.......and curse me .....for any bad .......brought upon you
in future.......
i just wanted you to trust me.......and have least expectations......
because if in case ....i m not able to fulfill........you know what made me not to
and you don't feel ......too bad about it......

i don't know about yours.........
my life can never have .....someone like you ever again
in my life.........

i wont be able ....to be a part of any other again
and won't expect you to do the same......