future.......maybe its not for me

what am i gng ......through .......u cant imagine
for u these are things that pisses u off......

a rage ....desires to end ......as it seems no importance
to continue ......giving chances to life.......and to let the bad go

i can never change......coz no one gave any efforts
neither u nor anyone.......u certainly.....i wished should have
coz it mattered to me......

u show like .....everything is normal for u........
everything seems ....real.......without my virtuality......trying to connect to it

maybe i m  selfish......to be all in a day or two
a good son
a lover
a best friend

coz life is short for me....
but it doesnt mean......i m upto something un-substantial

but my feelings for u .....are true......how wud they matter.......
coz i dnt have a future.........

future is for the ones............who live
i wanna die......every second......if its without u

i dnt wanna be tied..........and
i never wanted u to be so close to me....that u get hurt
and i kept the option of u moving out of my life.......
just for the sake of the words of the people .....who always told love never exist in this world.......especially in my case

i m sorry.......to have kept that door.......
having doubts ....abt u.....

but whenever i was sure.......u wont hurt...me
u hurted me.....to my extremes.......

i never tried to hurt u.......i just tried to be honest ........
and i paid for it.....

coz i knw .....it pains .......when things get revealed in other ways
u knw it better.......coz u let it happen more than once......

i m not selfish......coz i m not taking back
i m giving away too much....and dnt wanna give up
i just wanted u to acknowlegde......that too in a caring way
which u didnt cared abt......

it pains......too much ......
but i cant let it go.....
i m keeping distance .....so that i dnt let u into this........

live ur life
happily
as u ever wanted to......