Unknown - V

Devastated by the neglections .....
i start to fear life ....more...
and the fear hits every aspect of my life.......


the closest being .....the wish for her comeback...


the neglections make me think ..and realize that it just could be my another
wish just like these ....neglected to be a part of reality...


my mind stumbles ...on fears 
and my heart negotiates ..to make the countable chances of his wish being true..
remains preserved...


The heart as ever wish for her ....happiness
but wants to be with her too...both being poles apart realities....


I get a call , someone wanted me...he wished to see me.....
and he being the reason...that i never pick up unknown calls...i was called
and i had an offer...


i was fearing down....as now i dont want to work into anything that doesnt stand
justified on principles.....
my hand retaliates to every single motion around me....and i m fearing down...
and the cup in my hand bearing the trembling fingers.....


i m waiting for him.....why ?
maybe i know ...he may agree and make me work in something good....
he comes ...walks towards my table.....
i m all into my table...trying to hide under it ....so that no-one sees me...
as i know people may just recognize me ...and show pity on my condition...


i look at him....and envy the style ...he had...which i deserved.....
i know how he makes up all that money ....even i can do that....
but the main reason....i dnt wanna get into all that....


"i need your help."....me as straightforward as possible......


"sure"..first shall we order something...
the treat is on you....he said..


i checked my pockets ..i hardly had any cash...
i was wearing a shirt...my father bought me....long time back
when he was well.....it still looked new.....
and it was enough to make him jealous...


he very well knew ....my condition...
so he just boasted his money out...


just to take my mind of him....i looked around in the cafe...
and i observed a girl and a boy sitting on the table right near the glassy 
entrance of the cafe....
the girl looked simple ...the boy reminded me of my incident with her..
as he was constantly checking his pockets for cash under the table ..
as the girl ordered.....


it was the day , she had asked me to accompany her ....
the reason was unknown to me....just her purpose was clear...
she had to buy her..MBA form from some bank...
but i was late ...as usual ...never on time personality


it was not that hard to have the form..or i missed that part by being late
after she had her form...
she took me...to a low budget restaurant ...still famous though
to eat something
but it was full and though over crowded...


so we finally settled down for this cafe....
and under the table i constantly compared my pocket with their rate list.....


i knew i couldnt afford a cup of coffee that expensive
but with her ..it seemed ..it worth nothing...


he pulls the chair....after having a look at all the fridged items ....
as i settled for just a coffee for me...
it brought me to the present....with the waiter serving the order on the table...


he constantly talked ...but i was just involved with the couple sitting on the other table
they made me live those moments back...that day again...


getting to the point...i asked him..for help
help to make me join some company for internship ...i knew it was not at all difficult 
for him....but the question was ..."why would he do it ?"


he enquired about my requirements and my abilities, and what kind of work i wanted 
to be in...


in the end , he asked ..why this ? you are good at the work you used to do ..
and you used to earn ...well too.....;you should come back....i ll help you
you can work under me..and i wont treat you as a junior....
and no one would ever mention what happened in past.....


i knew , they were all words...he never meant any of them...he wanted to worsen my condition
and take advantage.....


I just want you to help me..with what i want..i dnt want to go back to anywhere....


so shall i leave ?...he asked
i will look into what i can do to help you...
he asked for bill....and the waiter stood above me...
i cant pay ...he knew....so moved to him....
he paid him...and left.....


the waiter came back with the change...it was twice the amount of the bill....
i asked for a favour from him...


i asked him to take the money and account it for the couple sitting on that table
and made sure that their billed amount was equivalent to the change..he came back with


i put my hands in the pocket and took out some tip ...for him
the amount in total i had ..with me..


he smiled and did what i had asked him to do....


he told them...the treat was free for them...due to the ocassion of the celebrations
of that cafe...


i was still there....
when the girl said ..." lets order something more....."
its free...".....


the boy made an excuse and they both left ...


maybe he was worried .....that the cafe persons may change their minds on giving
everything for free and he may have to pay double.....


the waiter passed my table ...and i thanked him ...


I stood up from my place to be at that table ...where i once sat with her....
the constant talks about here and there....and me trying to boast or state the reality
of condtion in my own way.....


I still have her....with me...
i believe....maybe not forever..but i do

Unknown IV

I was afraid ..as i had my experiences to fear that....
Been totally lost to life and lost in life ..
everything sets too apt for my introduction....


She would ask me everytime..she got a chance ...
"What is that secret about you ?"
i couldnt tell...and i cudnt lie to her too...
so i just told her ..."The day you wish to leave , the day i ll make my last try
to stop you ....by telling you the secret ...even when i am aware of the fact , that it 
wont stop you ..but it would strengthen your steps ahead ..."


and then she would just laugh...and change the topic ...


I always knew that she would leave me ....to move forward in life ..
the fact i had kept closer to me ....more than she was..


Shona, that was the name ....i gave her 
and maybe untolerable to her .....so she would ask me to speak her name instead 
of all this .....
Sometimes , the way she used to say , did hurt ..but i never felt too bad or 
i just ignored it ...


"Shona 
No matter , how much you hurt me.....i can never even think of getting hurted for all
those small reasons ...by you.
You are more important to me ....than even me....."


I wish to take those words back.....as it gave her unlimited chances to hurt me...
and me being fine with everything she did.....


even sometimes i feel , she did everything purposely....
as she never wanted me .....
but the heart never agrees to what the mind has to say..
the heart still awaits her comeback.....


I just had nothing to say to anyone...as everyone blamed me for everything
her friends ..and every other person...(who knew nothing about what happened)


she got away ...from realizing she did anything wrong 
Maybe ..realizing may have made her comeback....
and no-one wanted us to be together...


After she broke my trust, i dnt trust anyone ....
and i wish to be alone...


I was all by myself ...again .....having heard of a rejection...
this was the time ....i was prone to accept anything that promised her presence
in my life ...
Was it out of greed ? 
definetly not ....
I felt ..everything was going against me..as i let her leave 
knowing that she was someone whom i love...


(to be continued...)

Unkown III

She failed to understand me ..and Now i dnt feel like ..to be understood
May be i have given up hope of getting understood..

My failure ..is not accounted by this very rejection ...
but ..i have nothing else to talk about ...

SHe replied ..." HEy i knw u have feelings for me ..but i dnt wanna be in a relationship"
i respected her feelings ...but i wanted to know the reason behind ..it
Maybe she is doubting me because of any of her past experiences ....that failed
as she told me .." she hated the tears and longing part of love ..."

I just tried to ensure ..that my feelings were true ...
as its said .." U should atleast try and make them believe in you and trust you ..rest
is all what has to happen.."

But maybe i shouldn't have ....because not everyone care about the feelings ..all they
look for are people who they can play with ...

"I dnt have any feelings for him..But i would feel bad if he hurts himself because of me.
.."
i just had lost my heart to her on this , as in my life ..i had never seen anyone talking
like this ..caring for others ..i was touched ..

But , the feeling was short lived ..so was my happiness to be ..assuming ..one day i ll
surely make her trust ..me ..and my feelings
i was trying too hard ..to have her trust..

I cared about nothing else in this world , when i had her ..
even if others were running to be somewhere ..i was taking easy steps in life ..just
to enjoy the moments of life with her...

All was well , until i started doubting myself...the failures had grown ..aside
while i was busy wondering about my future ....it was hard for me to bear
when i started realizing the present situations of my life...

What would life be ?if i continue to fail in life ..as when i look back all i see are
failures ...a restless life ..continuing to achieve something ..something that's still
to be reached ...

Would she accept me ?
As i had kept secrets from her ..about my reality ..
about my conditions ..she knew all what i had told her ...
My issues with life ...i wished to keep it with myself ..
till she chose to be the part of my life ...

When i would ask her the reasons , she would enquire about my secrets
thats what i hadn't told her ...

I started questioning myself ...is it good to be keeping secrets ?
all i was looking for a more trust in her and the right moment ...

(to be continued...)

Unknown - II

hain (she would exclaim to express her shock)
hills visible from here ?
what ?

yes , i replied to her enquiring side , who was doubting my knowledge about that place .
U may call it luck , that i happened to be at that place ....while trying to take the remote corners of the city,
......few days before her ....

The bus moved on....
and i came across a conversation .....
i used to enquire about her well being ....when she had  struck her hand ...in an accident .....
and trying to comfort her from the pain ...i tried hitting her with my not so funny jokes ....

hey , how r u now ?
fine , my hand pains ..its kinda normal now ...its bearable


okk , u recover soon and we'll go for an outing ...

really ?...and where ? she enquired

thats not important ...but we'll be together on ur activa

I dnt like to drive ,  she hits the bonus point with this ...as she knew i wont force anything on her...

then ? even i dnt drive ......i said....what about the plan ?
an evening together ?


she ended the conversation with her favorite words  - " Shut Up "

Its too hard to bear now ....the happiness these moments gave ...i was knowing ....i had someone to be with me
always ....but now every moment just has tears to give ...and the pain to realize ...

I step down from the bus ..with my hard struck realization guiding my way

I reach the place ...and i start to ask for favors to get my work done ....
as i know my qualifications arent just enough ...to ensure the work get done ...
" we cant provide u the internship ...as u r lagging our needs "
they all told me ..and smiled !!!!

I am all blank ...to give back answers ...to their questions .....
I felt alone ...all i needed was the support ...as my life had been full of expectations and
its all spent ....taking into considerations .....everyone's sentiments ...
I know the importance of valuing the feelings attached to U....
U cant hurt them and leave ....
and managing their happiness , hurts your own ....

I am taken aback ......
" Shona , wud u do me a favor ? "
what ?
please get me the details of the training plan from ##### ?
why ?
as i wished to join it , something i love to be .....

she did , and i am overjoyed ....
But the details were good and i really owed her for her time ...

the fees , the most common case for it to be ignored .....
its was out of the expenses....that i could afford on my own....as getting trained from them
would have made me happy ....but would have made others suffer for just me......

I failed to understand this at start ...but all i knew was ....
my priority was changed from being the best in the tech to being the best payed .....
i was considering money over what i could achieve from the skills ...

excuse me !...a voice catched me ...unattentive to his words .....
i was unanswerable ....so i accepted my rejection and left ....
i knew i was nothing ...to be offered ..something ....
even i lacked the qualifications to be a part of someone's life .....

i still remember ...when i opened my heart to her
Shona , if u promise to be with me forever , I can take on every challenge , the worlds puts me to
and
she reserved her answer .....on this !!!!!

maybe i was stupid to have taken it as a YES , and started assuming too much !!!

I still cant ignore ...the fact
i had a life ....which was worth living only for her .....

(to be continued....)